You Know What I Hate

the very existence.
the very existence of me captivated in a void, in a nothingness, surrounded by these material beings
lifeless as it seems, but these are what i interact with for a glimpse of you.
the futility of existence
of giving hope, the dream, the vision of what is to be
only to have it all crashing down like a castle made of glass
shattered and broken with a single crack.
The hope of heaven on earth, the clairvoyance of you and me walking hand in hand forever and ever
the eternity of being larger than this universe even though we are a trivial being living within it,
only to realise it was a constructed memory based upon the blind sighted affection and gratitude
and the very existence of remaining time, consumed by emptiness, is to deconstruct the same memory
while living through it every day -physically and virtually.
Deconstruction, the dismantle of the memory is the most agonizing and very much hated.

The worthless anticipation
the known probability is next to zero or even negative yet the heart hangs by the skin for the possibility of what might be
in this infinite universe.
Its so pathetic, the passing of time, the ticking of clock and yet the anticipation never disappears
rather the anxiety grows larger and larger pushing the button for this urge to make a first move, or a millionth one.
A mistake, may it be, the anxious anticipation
this uncontrollable desire
but you were a shot of dopamine and we both knew it.

you know what i hate, the knowledge of nonexistent.
The knowledge of nonexistent
is a frightening thought as at one point
we were a singularity and we big banged into our own creation
our own universe, revolving around each other
until you destroyed me completely
you destroyed me completely and mercilessly
engulfing the very existence of me like a blackhole devouring the entire galaxy.
And now a meaningless creature that i have become as you shine upon others light
i cant help but wonder does that light outshines my entire purpose, my entire existence.
tell me am i nonexistent to your futile existence?!

Wish You Were Here

the comfort you seek on those random arms
are they warm enough to bury the cold you left me?
did you find your happiness,
prices over my lost soul?
are the colors bright in your room?
scarred and stabbed, i bounce on this dark one.
searching and waiting
wishing you were here.

does it feel heavenly
trading my love for the gold ring?
hellish that i have become
frozen, broken, shattered and numb.
divine must be the walks on those streets now
once where you’d hold my hands with hope.
bleeding and dying
wishing you were here.

Do you think you can tell?
shattered glass from empty skies,
moaning stars on naked nights.
fractured heart from broken might?
do you think you can tell?

your voice echo
burning desires and dropping tears.
what have you found?
what have i found?
comfort in pain,
pain in comfort?
lost in disdain
still
wishing you were here.

______________________________________________________

note:
every morning every night
stories of horror
of whats done wrong and whats done right.
the deceiving smile of you shining bright
like and angel
eating me alive
inside out
and yet
wish you were here

[The title has been shamelessly stolen from Pink Floyd’s ultra famous tune “Wish You Were Here”. Not just the title, as you read (if you happen to read) you will know other things have also been lifted from the same track. Before anyone points out, I accept it myself that it is blasphemous of me to even use anything from this timeless tune. ]

Permanent Damage

An angel in disguise pushed me down below
i seek dark alleys
a heavey magnetic force draws me into darkness

an angel without wings flapped and flew away
the foot prints behind
only gush of thin air to fill the hollowness

and i scream to this darkness
ahhhh i scream to this emptiness
i scream to the pathetic desperation.

Irreplaceable
your touch on my lips still trails
and the skins tremble with the memories
damage has been done
permanently.

even the kings have to die
mere peasant that i am
suffering is decreed.
there is no denying
this is the death of me.

so i scream again
this time for survival
against betrayal
im a damage case
permanently unstable.

Suicide Note II

[im not the kind that kills people
im the one that dies for sacrifice.]

The unbeckoned melancholia
kicks in again
the visions and dreams once possessed
are turned into ashes
the histories are being washed away
with the growing tears
its not like everything reminds me of you now that i cant have you
remembering you is a habit
a routine
a curse from the heavens
of mighty disgusting angels where you once bestowed.

happiness has been an urban legend
a folklore
a mystical creature
a mysteries among the river.

im not a fuckin phoenix
that you burn
and i rise again from the ashes.
im washed away by the mere wind.
so i write you a love letter
from these walls im trapped in
from the day you shot me dead
read it
its all over the walls painted in red
the unreckoned melancholia.

Annihilate the world

[there comes a time in life when everything falls apart you see,
so you wait for a while…. before you do anything
sometimes you destroy everything]

lurking behind the faded smile
masquerade
lies the saddening eyes
Absolute worthless
existence of this life.

Denial of sensibility
all senses seize to exist
incubation of the new one
formation of the fortress,
Unbroken.

you belonged to me
and now you dont.
i needed you
while you didnt.

Paranoia pacification
inner peace temptation
a clarity of vision
spiritual degradation
a birth of a demon.

Breed the anger within
Hopeless isolation
I am Furious
Annihilate the motherfuckin world.